
Kerry (left), Bonnie (right)
at Carova Beach, Outer Banks, North Carolina
This is the e-mail I sent to friends after Kerry's sudden death.
Date: July 29, 2008:
We lost our dear Kerry girl this morning . . . about 1:17 a.m.
This evening, after happily eating a home-cooked dinner of beef, green beans, yogurt with a few digestive enzymes sprinkled on top, Kerry started coughing a bit. It lasted a few minutes, but she shook it off and even romped just a minutes with Bender, our young male Scottie, before going outside to do her business.
My cousin stopped by to get Dr. Plechner's book on adrenal exhaustion to see if any of the protocols he advocates could help her seriously ill cat battle her newly diagnosed FIP and possible FELV.
Kerry was sitting in the living room very close to my cousin and Bender, and had another little coughing spell. When my cousin left, Kerry retired to her cushion and suddenly I heard the "wetness" to her cough. I had thought to give her half of an .80 mg Lasix pill (one of Brownie's old prescriptions; I halved it and figured it was about right.) We waited for a few minutes, but nothing seemed to be helping Kerry.
My husband was just finishing up his dinner when I grabbed him and had him listen to her. We both agreed she shouldn't wait to go to the vet, so as I gathered up her file and made sure all the write-ups and labs were in there, he fixed Kerry a nice place in his car with a cushion so the trip would be comfortable for her.
I had a suffered with a headache all day long, so figured this was one outing I could miss. Boy, was I wrong. My husband called me after he'd been to the Emergency Clinic for a hour. He said it was very serious, and that he felt as if he'd nearly lost Kerry on the way to the Emergency Vet, that it got so bad, so quick. They had given her several injections of Lasix at the Emergency Clinic, but she was not completely responding. Pat called me to say that they had suggested he go home, as it was going to be a long night and she would be ready to be transferred to our vet in the morning around 8:00. a.m.
So, with Kerry in an oxygen tent, Pat came home, fully believing that things would be rough, but would work out in the end. About the time he crawled in bed, the doctor from the Emergency Clinic called. She was calling, I knew, to ask permission to let Kerry go. By the time she explained that Kerry was scared, trying to breathe, and that they had put a tube in place to help her, but blood and other fluid was pouring out, it was all over. One of the vet techs was waving to her that Kerry had stopped breathing on her own. So, as I was trying to calculate whether I had time to even get there and whether I should make Kerry wait for that, Kerry slipped on to join Kyle, Morgan, Houdini, Brownie, Dave and the rest of my crew who were waiting for her.
I'm glad she finally got to meet Babes; they were so much alike.
I am sorry that I wasn't able to ease her last hour of suffering. I wish that I had been with her to reassure her. It wasn't the end I would have chosen for such a good girl. It wasn't how I thought this day would end. I wish I had more answers about how this happened. I feel like there's not a lot of closure here, except in just trying to remember who she was and how we loved her. We had a happy day yesterday before all this happened . . . we hung out in the garden a bit . . . and she kept trying to slip down the hill to hide in the deep shade underneath the pine trees by the road. At her age, too! Now I think I should have let her run a little more before calling her back to me. That is something I will file away as "Lesson Learned." She didn't even need me to help her back up the steep front porch steps, even though all her recent x-rays had shown she had a severely arthritic back. She hopped up yesterday like she was a youngster. I always tell her how impressed I am with her agility when she is able to do that. Some days, we both need a "hand" up.
Since I wasn't feeling well, Pat went out to buy something to perk us both up--a little ice cream. I am not always in the mood for ice cream, but even I had a small amount and saved Kerry my spoon--with a bit extra loaded in it. The other dogs looked a bit miffed, but I have found myself recently doing more of those things for Kerry. Even though Bonnie has been the focus of my attention for months now, Kerry has been getting some side benefits to being the oldest dog in the house. I try to recognize her in little ways if she gets up with me in the middle of the night to come into the kitchen for water. It is Kerry who always gets a slice of apple, or a special hug late at night or early in the morning when no one is around. In the way that I imagine mothers carve out special moments with individual children, despite having a house full, I've tried to find special moments to show Kerry that I care about what makes her happy. Even today, despite her total lack of interest, I hauled her up on the bed with me for some special one-on-one time. Someone called, and as soon as I picked up the phone and my hand wasn't signaling to her she needed to stay, off she sailed back to her own cushion in the hall to view her domain.
I still don't know what happened to Kerry or how it happened so fast. I am crazy observant with the dogs, and I'd noticed for a month or so she would have episodes where she would breathe heavily, but this would always pass. This served to make me determine to get her E-1 (adrenal/thyroid/immunoglobulin panel) test done so we'd know if she was in adrenal exhaustion and so we could start treating her appropriately. This past Thursday, I had her in to see our vet to get that blood work drawn at the same time as he was evaluating Dee-Dee, the rescue, and I asked him to take a "listen" to Kerry. I told him she worried me because it reminded me in some ways of how I met my vet for the first time, when he had examined Babes and found a large hemangiosarcoma pushing on her lungs and liver. The doc said she sounded great, no crackling, no lung or heart sounds.
So what happened? I guess we can't be certain. A blood clot? Hemangiosarcoma?
Way back in the 90s, Babes, my first Scottie, was nearly at her 12th birthday, and had been going back and forth to Dunbar Animal Hospital for months. They had been registering my complaint that she was not breathing right, but blowing off my concerns that cancer was responsible. Earlier in the year, Babes had a melanoma on her back removed with poor margins, so according to how I was reading The Merck Veterinary Manual at that time, it was my job to be vigilant to any kind of organ cancer that might develop as a result of that. The vets I was using at that time were not helping me much in that regard. They just gave me bronchodillators and told me not to worry about it. You who know me well know how much good that did. As it turned out, Babes had a really rough Saturday night after that, and so my husband and I took her to the Emergency Clinic. There, I met the vet who has worked with us since that time. He had only been out of school a short while, and was working at the Emergency Clinic until he found a practice to buy (where we are now patrons).
He immediately felt Babes' large liver tumor pressing on her lungs and explained to me it was probably the reason that she couldn't breath well. He took an x-ray to confirm his suspicions, and then told us we'd need to get an ultrasound at Univ. of VA to be sure. He was sorry, and so were we, but I was happy that I'd found a vet who took his time and didn't let things fall into the cracks. I'm all about facing things head on with full knowledge as a weapon.
Fast forward to Kerry. She, too, has had some rough patches: pneumonia, bladder stones, high liver enzymes, but overall, things pointed toward a positive outcome. She had suffered originally we thought from Cushings, hypothyroidism, and then later subclinical Addison's disease. We felt like she might be going through adrenal exhaustion--after all, she'd witnessed and lived through more changes in our household than any other dog, and she had a right to be stressed! So, this E-1 test in my mind held hope for continued good health. I felt like if I could just get this ironed out, there was hope for an even longer life for our Kerry girl. I was so encouraged.
But Kerry Berry Bushy taught me other things. That some days (or weeks, or months) I can't do the right thing, no matter how hard I try. That knowing a bunch of stuff doesn't always save the day. That good dogs don't always have the kinds of endings they deserve.
A lot of you know that my husband makes up silly names for all of our pets. I am always interested to see how, why, and when they'll get their first alternative name. Normally, every dog has quite a few by the time they leave us, and one of the ways I like to remember each dog is to get out my journal and write out the names they had, with the reasons behind them. It never fails to make me smile at the way my husband thinks and the love that he shows in his own way of picking some of these very silly names.
One of his favorite shows is and always will be The Andy Griffith Show, and to my never-ending delight, he can recall all the dialogue. One day, after watching an episode where Barney was singing, I heard Pat start to call our Kerry "Kerry Kookaburra Bush" and finally, it led to Kerry Berry Bushy or Kerry Berry Bush or just Cutie Carris Bush (Carris is a family name.)
Kerry Berry Bush has been her name for such a long time now, I just wanted today, on her last day, to remember the silly, happy Scottie that came to us with over 200 fleas, terrible skin allergies, leading to a whole summer of her without hair and looking like a pot-bellied pig. Spending her days tussling with Kyle over stuffed animals, or shouting out her Scottie Arooooo to potential company. The harmony of the perfect Aroo Trio: Morgan, Kyle and Kerry. Music that still haunts my heart.
Our beloved Kookaburra always racked up more points for street smarts than beauty, but it wasn't long before she did develop into a lovely, old-fashioned looking Scottie. A throwback Scottie, my husband and I called her. Whenever you see old books or prints of funny looking, not-so-squared-off Scotties, you can know that was the image of our Kerry. She was built along older lines of fashion-- really more function, than fashion. A modern, big-headed Scottie looked almost like a different breed next to our old-fashioned girl.
She loved the outdoors and soaking up the sun. Until her arthritis kicked in and her adrenals went haywire, she loved extreme temps in weather, too. As she grew older, she still loved going outside for short jaunts, but mostly confined herself to a few dog beds that gave her splendid view of the action in the house. One is at the end of a long hallway, between two bedrooms. She could watch the kitchen, both our bedroom and the "dog" bedroom, as well as monitor everything else that was going on in our home. She reigned compassionately and with a lot of concern for others. Kerry was never a bully, but frequently displayed random acts of kindness to her fellow travelers of time and fur and skin. Recently, when Bailey, an older, confused and mostly blind Westie, came to stay for a week, it was Kerry who watched him with concern, and seemed to follow him loosely in the background to sort of watch over his wanderings.
At nearly fourteen years of age, she is the oldest Scottie we've ever had. I used to whisper to her that she'd seen a lot of things come and go . . . including my own youth She knew that a long life like Bailey's deserved her respect. She gave it to him, but allowed him the dignity of not hanging all over him and smelling every inch of his furry person. She seemed to know how she'd like to be treated and gave that respect to others animals (and people) in return.
She was never as happy as she was as a young dog, freed from owners who didn't love her much and gave her care equal to their passion for her. My cousin, Milisa, was stopped in traffic with her then-owner who told her he was going to have to put her to sleep for an allergic condition. Milisa talked him into letting me have her (all without exchanging a single word with me about it; knows me well, doesn't she?), and so it was that on sunny afternoon when I was off from work healing up from the first wrist surgery for the malunion, and Milisa shows up with Kerry in her Toyota truck. We both agreed she needed lots of attention, but we were encouraged by her sweet, sunny nature. I don't think either of us gave it a thought after that whether she would fit in with my other dogs or what my husband would say. She seemed to just ooze into every corner from her very first moment here.
After she was given her first bath in this house--it took two of us--she snorted up and down the hallways, rubbing her face and scrawny body on everything that could provide some friction. She jumped up and down on furniture and looked for all the world like a celebration happening in dog's skin. When my husband came home, she didn't miss a beat and jumped square in the middle of our coffee table and then leapt off sideways in one big hop into his lap, landing pretty hard, but exuberant and proud of her acrobatics. He was trying to keep a stone face and say NO MORE DOGS, but there she sat, wagging her whole body, giving kisses, leaving little doubt that whether we knew it or not, she was our new dog.
Thank you for letting me share memories of Kerry with you this morning. Sometimes I think by the time I've done with these beautiful animals, there will be nothing left of me. I'll be like the Velveteen Rabbit, my skin all worn thin, my joints shabby, and nothing but my heart, full to the brim with love and memories, to say that I've had a life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fast forward to Kerry. She, too, has had some rough patches: pneumonia, bladder stones, high liver enzymes, but overall, things pointed toward a positive outcome. She had suffered originally we thought from Cushings, hypothyroidism, and then later subclinical Addison's disease. We felt like she might be going through adrenal exhaustion--after all, she'd witnessed and lived through more changes in our household than any other dog, and she had a right to be stressed! So, this E-1 test in my mind held hope for continued good health. I felt like if I could just get this ironed out, there was hope for an even longer life for our Kerry girl. I was so encouraged.
But Kerry Berry Bushy taught me other things. That some days (or weeks, or months) I can't do the right thing, no matter how hard I try. That knowing a bunch of stuff doesn't always save the day. That good dogs don't always have the kinds of endings they deserve.
A lot of you know that my husband makes up silly names for all of our pets. I am always interested to see how, why, and when they'll get their first alternative name. Normally, every dog has quite a few by the time they leave us, and one of the ways I like to remember each dog is to get out my journal and write out the names they had, with the reasons behind them. It never fails to make me smile at the way my husband thinks and the love that he shows in his own way of picking some of these very silly names.
One of his favorite shows is and always will be The Andy Griffith Show, and to my never-ending delight, he can recall all the dialogue. One day, after watching an episode where Barney was singing, I heard Pat start to call our Kerry "Kerry Kookaburra Bush" and finally, it led to Kerry Berry Bushy or Kerry Berry Bush or just Cutie Carris Bush (Carris is a family name.)
Kerry Berry Bush has been her name for such a long time now, I just wanted today, on her last day, to remember the silly, happy Scottie that came to us with over 200 fleas, terrible skin allergies, leading to a whole summer of her without hair and looking like a pot-bellied pig. Spending her days tussling with Kyle over stuffed animals, or shouting out her Scottie Arooooo to potential company. The harmony of the perfect Aroo Trio: Morgan, Kyle and Kerry. Music that still haunts my heart.
Our beloved Kookaburra always racked up more points for street smarts than beauty, but it wasn't long before she did develop into a lovely, old-fashioned looking Scottie. A throwback Scottie, my husband and I called her. Whenever you see old books or prints of funny looking, not-so-squared-off Scotties, you can know that was the image of our Kerry. She was built along older lines of fashion-- really more function, than fashion. A modern, big-headed Scottie looked almost like a different breed next to our old-fashioned girl.
She loved the outdoors and soaking up the sun. Until her arthritis kicked in and her adrenals went haywire, she loved extreme temps in weather, too. As she grew older, she still loved going outside for short jaunts, but mostly confined herself to a few dog beds that gave her splendid view of the action in the house. One is at the end of a long hallway, between two bedrooms. She could watch the kitchen, both our bedroom and the "dog" bedroom, as well as monitor everything else that was going on in our home. She reigned compassionately and with a lot of concern for others. Kerry was never a bully, but frequently displayed random acts of kindness to her fellow travelers of time and fur and skin. Recently, when Bailey, an older, confused and mostly blind Westie, came to stay for a week, it was Kerry who watched him with concern, and seemed to follow him loosely in the background to sort of watch over his wanderings.
At nearly fourteen years of age, she is the oldest Scottie we've ever had. I used to whisper to her that she'd seen a lot of things come and go . . . including my own youth She knew that a long life like Bailey's deserved her respect. She gave it to him, but allowed him the dignity of not hanging all over him and smelling every inch of his furry person. She seemed to know how she'd like to be treated and gave that respect to others animals (and people) in return.
She was never as happy as she was as a young dog, freed from owners who didn't love her much and gave her care equal to their passion for her. My cousin, Milisa, was stopped in traffic with her then-owner who told her he was going to have to put her to sleep for an allergic condition. Milisa talked him into letting me have her (all without exchanging a single word with me about it; knows me well, doesn't she?), and so it was that on sunny afternoon when I was off from work healing up from the first wrist surgery for the malunion, and Milisa shows up with Kerry in her Toyota truck. We both agreed she needed lots of attention, but we were encouraged by her sweet, sunny nature. I don't think either of us gave it a thought after that whether she would fit in with my other dogs or what my husband would say. She seemed to just ooze into every corner from her very first moment here.
After she was given her first bath in this house--it took two of us--she snorted up and down the hallways, rubbing her face and scrawny body on everything that could provide some friction. She jumped up and down on furniture and looked for all the world like a celebration happening in dog's skin. When my husband came home, she didn't miss a beat and jumped square in the middle of our coffee table and then leapt off sideways in one big hop into his lap, landing pretty hard, but exuberant and proud of her acrobatics. He was trying to keep a stone face and say NO MORE DOGS, but there she sat, wagging her whole body, giving kisses, leaving little doubt that whether we knew it or not, she was our new dog.
Thank you for letting me share memories of Kerry with you this morning. Sometimes I think by the time I've done with these beautiful animals, there will be nothing left of me. I'll be like the Velveteen Rabbit, my skin all worn thin, my joints shabby, and nothing but my heart, full to the brim with love and memories, to say that I've had a life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Between them all the poor little Rabbit was made to feel himself very insignificant and commonplace, and the only person who was kind to him at all was the Skin Horse.
The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room.
"Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse.
"It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.
"When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.
But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit.
And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive.
But the Skin Horse only smiled.
"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "
"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "
That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again.
It lasts for always."
From "The Velveteen Rabbit or How Toys Become Real" by Margery Williams.
Here is the song that is Kerry's song forever and always, whether anyone knows it but us:
Kookaburra Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree
Merry merry king of the bush is he
Laugh Kookaburra, laugh Kookaburra
Gay your life must be
Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree
Eating all the gumdrops he can see
Stop Kookaburra, stop Kookaburra
Leave some gums for me
Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree
Counting all the monkeys he can see
Stop Kookaburra, stop Kookaburra